Dead Right in Letterfrack: a one act play

Dead Right in Letterfrack
A One Act Play

Connor, 21 years old, Irish
Fergus, 21 years old, Irish
Ruth, 44 years old, American
Julia, 33 years old, Danish
Bus Driver, 50 years old, Irish
Girls, between 19 and 22 years old, German/French/Spanish/Irish
Boys, between 19 and 22 years old, German/French/Spanish/Irish

Letterfrack is a town in Connemara.

Scene i
[An empty bus sits at the stop. A group of students stand around with backpacks, waiting]
Connor [runs up carrying three backpacks, out of breath, throws pack to the ground, begins shouting]: Nobody get on the bus! Don’t let anyone get on the bus!
Fergus [leaning against a wall, tweed cap askew]: It’s not our bus, Connor.
Connor: Oh. [pause] So I’ve got the list anyway. [He bustles around ticking people off the list who are present].
[the empty bus pulls out and another bus pulls in.]
Connor [stuffs list into one of his packs]: Everybody get on the bus! Put your things in the boot! Get on the bus! This is our bus!
Girl: Fergus has fuckin’ stupid hair!
[general laughter]
Fergus: Hey! Where have your hands been!
Girl: In your fuckin’ hair! [Shrieks with laughter]
[the group slowly boards the bus]
[On the bus.]
Connor [striding up and down the aisle of the bus]: Okay! Everybody sit down! Hey! Sit down! Listen up, lads: I have to count ye so sit down!
Fergus [to the bus driver]: This’ll be a pisser.
[A girl comes running towards the bus, her back pack bouncing as she runs full tilt for the bus. ]
Fergus [shouting out the door of the bus]: Hurry up! We’re leavin’ now!
Connor: Stow your pack in the back, in the boot! Fergus, put her pack in the boot!
[the girl tries to get on the bus, but the driver inches the bus forward each time she tries to get on. ]
Fergus: Ya fuckin’ crazy bastard! [laughing. Pushes girl into the bus and jumps in behind her.]
Bus Driver: I’ll hafta see yer ID before you can get on the bus.
Girl [confused]: Okay [starts to open her day pack]
Ruth: No, no. It’s okay. He’s just playing. You don’t have to show any ID. [Pulls girl past bus driver]
Fergus and Bus Driver laugh.


Scene ii
[Two hours later. The bus pulls into a shopping center.]
Connor: Okay! Listen up lads! We’re stopping at this Tesco for fifteen minutes! Got that? Fifteen minutes! [He gets off the bus first and as each person gets off the bus he says]: Fifteen minutes!
[Forty minutes later. The students return to the bus, most bringing cases of Molson Gold. Connor and Fergus carry two cases each.]
Bus Driver: No drink on the bus. Put it all in the boot.
[The bus fills. As it pulls out of the parking lot, there is the sound of bottles opening in the back of the bus. Soon after, the back of the bus is howling 1980’s broadway show tunes, singing one word of the lyrics in three.

Scene iii
[The bus arrives in Letterfrack and comes to a halt in the center of the village. There is a pub to the right, and a pub to the left. It is full dark.]
Connor: Get off the bus! Everybody get off the bus! We’re here!
[People disembark. Connor and Fergus hurl all the packs in the back of the bus into the road behind the bus. Ruth and Julia retrieve their packs and walk into the darkness following a sign that says, “Monastery Hostel”. Connor and Fergus go into the near pub.]

Scene iv
[People straggle into the open door of the Monastery Hostel. It is silent and deserted. Everyone mills around in the hallway.]
Girl: A quoi faire?
Boy: Und jetz was?
Boy: Que hacemos?
Ruth: I guess we just take places in the rooms.
[Connor and Fergus bustle into the crowd.]
Connor: We have the whole hostel. Just take a place somewhere.
Boy: Any place?
Connor: You’re dead right!
Fergus [shouting with glee]: It’s quarter past beer o’clock, lads!
[People disappear into rooms and put down their packs to claim their hostel beds. Then, everyone assembles in the common room. There is a peat fire burning in the 19th century iron grate. Paperback books in many languages stack most flat surfaces. There is a candelabra burning on the mantelpiece of the fireplace. The room is furnished with battered mission style armchairs and a couch. Benches line the walls. The windows begin to fog as more people assemble. Eventually 53 people squeeze into the room. Most hold a beer, some two beers. A bottle of wine begins to circulate around the room. Fergus stands up on the fireplace fender so that he stands above the crowd.
Fergus: This trip is all about great craic. We always have a lot of fun here. This is a place about having fun. Do you hear me?!
[Muted cheers]
Connor: Tomorrow we’re going hill-walking so I hope everybody has good boots. If anyone is tired or has a medical problem, you have to communicate with us because the secret is good communication. We can’t help you if you don’t communicate with us. We’re here to see that everybody is all rigth. Right?
Fergus: Yer dead right.
Connor: Okay, so breakfast is at nine. We’ll get you up at half eight.
Fergus: Yeah, we’re gonna come around and bang pots and pans in your room at eight cuz we gotta get goin’ to get up on the mountain. Don’t be late!
Connor: Right lads, listen up. We have to be on the bus at half nine so be sharp.
[Everyone disperses.]

Scene v
Ruth and Julia go into their dorm room. A girl who has lost her bag in the confusion of bags in the road lies sprawled on her bed in her clothing, fast asleep. Ruth and Julia change into their pajamas.
Ruth: That was a long bus ride.
Julia: Yeah. I thought we would die for certain when the bus driver was swerving all over the road.
Ruth: I think he was doing that to make the people who were standing in the back of the bus fall over. Do you think he hit that sheep?
Julia: No, I don’t think so. We would have heard it if he had.
Ruth: He drove straight for it while it was trying to get out of the way.
Julia: He swerved, you know, and I think he swerved just in time.
Ruth [doubtfully]: Okay. I’ll feel better if I believe you.
Julia: So believe me. Oh, I’m looking forward to getting some rest. It’s been a stressful week.
Ruth: Good night. [turns out the light]

Scene vi
[The room is in darkness. A sliver of light is exposed around the loose fitting door of the room.]
Sound of feet clattering down the stairs.
The first four bars of Heart and Soul are played on an out of tune piano.
Sound of Fergus’ voice: Shut up!
The first four bars of Ode to Joy are played.
Fergus’ voice drowns out the piano as he howls the opening instrumental to “I love you baby.”
Girls voices’ come in at the verse: I love you baaaabeeeee, na na na na na naaaaa na na naaaaa, I love you baaaabeeeee. [they don’t know the words and the song trails off]
Sound of feet running up the stairs.
Brief silence.
A door slams.
Many feet run into the hall.
Unintelligible shouting in French.
Sound of Connor’s voice: I’m fuckin’ Irish. That what it is. I’m fuckin’ Irish. I’m gonna teach you Irish, right?
Boy’s voice: Qu’est-ce qu’il dit?
Sound of Connor’s voice: I’m fuckin’ talkin’ to you in fuckin’ English, but I’m gonna teach you Irish, right? Pog mo thon! Ya fuckin’ got that, lads? Pog mo thon!
Sound of Fergus’ voice: Yer dead right! Yer dead right!
Boy’s voice: Vive la France.
Feet clatter up and down stairs.
The piano clangs as if person has fallen on it.
The sound of a body hitting the wall.
Connor’s voice: Ow! Ow! That hurts!
Sound of Fergus and others laughing.
Connor’s voice: God damn it! I must be bleeding out my ass! I’ll never have a family. Damn that hurt. Fuck!
Fergus’s voice: Yer dead right! Yer fuckin’ dead right! [laughing]
[general laughter]
Feet on the stairs.
Connor’s voice: I’m bleeding! I’m fuckin’ bleeding.
Fergus: Fer crissake. It’s just red wine.
Boy’s voice: Hey! Oh!
A door slams.
Girl’s voice: will you take these things? Hey! No, no, no. What will you do with those socks?
Boy’s voice: So where do you think we will find them? Downstairs?
Girl’s voice: Tu sais tres bien.
Sound of body falling down the stairs.
General laughter.
Fergus’ voice: Yer dead right! Yer dead right!
Connor’s voice: God damn. Fuck all.
Sound of vomiting.
[Inside the darkened room]
Julia: Ruth? What time is it?
Ruth: Five.
Julia: Have you gotten any sleep?
Ruth: I think I dreamed that I slept.
Silence.
Birdsong.

Scene vii
[8:00 am. Ruth is mopping up the vomit that splashed on the door of the room she and Julia are sharing. Connor walks into a nearby room of sleeping people.]
Connor: Everybody up! Everybody all right?
Boy: Shiiiiiit.
Connor: Yer dead right. [clapping loudly] Up! Up! Up! Up! Everybody up, lads! Take yer time getting up! I’ll be back in a minute. Breakfast at nine.
[He repeats this refrain in another room. Coughing and cursing follow him. Someone begins to sing the Marseillaise.]


Scene viii
Fergus and Connor are sitting at a table in the dining room. It is 9:30.
Ruth and Julia approach the table.
Connor: Did you sleep well? [there is no trace of sarcasm in his voice]
Ruth: Sleep?
Julia: Well, it was kind of loud, like all night. I looked around Letterfrack this morning to see if there was a B&B where I could stay tonight, but they are all full. Do you think there are other arrangements that could be made here so it might be a little easier to get some sleep tonight?
Connor [looks anywhere but at Julia]: I don’t know, like, ya know, there are so many people [his voice trails off].
Fergus: Look. That’s just how it is. You’re with a group of college students out for a bit of fun. [he stands and turns his back to Ruth, Julia, and Connor]
Ruth [addressing Connor, who has remained seated but is looking into the distance]: Well, sure, yeah, you’re out for a bit of fun, and that’s grand, but, see, it was the screaming in the hallway. We just wondered if the screaming could just take place in another location after midnight, that’s all.
Connor [looks at Fergus’ back still resolutely turned towards them]: It’s, like, I don’t know there’s much we can do really.
Ruth: Okay. We’ll see what we can do.
Connor jumps up and leaves. Fergus has already disappeared.
Ruth and Julia sit down and pour tea.
Ruth: Well, I guess professor Fergus’ lecture set it out pretty clearly: Fuck you.
Julia [puts her head in her hands. She rubs her eyes tiredly.]: Yer dead right.